to be happy. Tuesday, July 03, 2007 |
This is probably going to be one of the hardest posts i will ever have to write; For all of you who are going to read this, sorry in advance for perhaps a somewhat saddening post. I just hope that by doing this i dont appear to be looking for pity or anything, i've enough of that from phonecalls coming in.
I was talking to a friend of mine last night; Kim chieng and she told me about what she wanted to leave behind in this world, despite somewhat a misunderstanding she managed to give me an answer; and she said it would be happiness. Because she wanted the people around her to remember her as somebody that brought joy; that when they thought of her - she'd bring a smile to their face, even after she departed.
Having asked many people this, and receiving relatively generic answers such as care, kindness, love etc (not that they're not significant) i was glad that somebody actually gave me a different answer. Happiness is not something i'd expect anybody to say; i mean...when you pass away, it's a bit weird if people are 'happy' you know what i mean? But i now know, and i apologise Kimmy, i misunderstood you completely.
I actually understand what you mean now, a lot better. See, around 6 hours after that convo at approx 3 am this morning a phone call came in. I thought it was a missed call or something, so i didn't pay any attention to it because dad picked it up, or must've because the phone stopped ringing. The phone call was from malaysia, to tell me that my grandpa had just passed away.
Dont think many of you readers here would know my grandpa well; or know the nature of our relationship. He was more of a brother than a grandpa at times. We'd laugh at the same things, do the same things, go out to eat at 3 am in the morning, scold the dog for the same reasons, eat the same food, buy the same clothes. It wasn't a rare comment when somebody told me that i took after my grandpa. I knew it well myself.
He was the most cheerful person i knew, in whatever circumstance; he was always smiling, when he was in ICU, 3 weeks back; all the pictures my family sent me of him were of him smiling, even with the tubes and electronic measuring devices everywhere; he could still smile.
He asked for me, a few weeks back. I couldn't come because of university; it's....unexpected, because he came out of ICU only weeks ago. The doctors said he was recovering, everybody was happy.
The last time i was in malaysia; i saw my grandpa well, and happy; thank God for that. To think that 5 months later, i wouldn't have him anymore. When i was there; one evening - we sat down in a shopping center to take a break from all the walking around. I saw a watch on his wrist; and seeing the familiar logo of Tag Heuer i asked him if it was a fake.
To which he pretended to take offense to, i knew he was pretending; he'd never get angry at me. He then told me that the watch he was wearing was a family heirloom. It was a priceless item that was passed through different generations; funnily enough, still maintaining its shine. He then told me that the most precious thing you could give a person was your time, and your attention. Because that naturally means that you love them. I can remember my Cuz telling me this before.
When my aunty called last night; she had a message for me that mum just told me.
"tell jon that grandpa left his watch for him."
I just sent dad to the airport; i was meant to go back as well. But the flight was too hard to find; and to be honest, i just cant bear the thought of seeing him...well..anything but alive. Some people would call me an idiot for not going back, but i guess that's their reason. I have my own.
As his only grandson in a family with a fair few grandchildren, he never used that as an excuse to favor me. He was so fair and loving to all of his grandchildren; something that i respected and admired very much about him. He used to tell me that i played the piano beautifully; and that one day he wanted me to sit down for a whole day and just play his favorite songs over and over.
Now i understand what Kim meant when she told me that; and i know precisely what her idea was. I finally fully get what my cuz tells me over and over, that time is the most precious thing you can give a person; even though right now i may be upset over his passing, i know that when i think of him a few months down the track - it will bring a smile to my face.
I dont think there are many people out there that could make me smile after they pass away, but i know grandpa could. He'd want me to be happy too; so for my grandpa, i'm going to smile and be happy; because now i know that God's looking after him, alot better than i could too.
Thank you kimmy, you shared that with me for a reason. And thanks Cuz; your advice is correct- as per usual.
To somebody i will never forget,
i miss you grandpa.
God, please look after him while i'm not there.
Fin~
I was talking to a friend of mine last night; Kim chieng and she told me about what she wanted to leave behind in this world, despite somewhat a misunderstanding she managed to give me an answer; and she said it would be happiness. Because she wanted the people around her to remember her as somebody that brought joy; that when they thought of her - she'd bring a smile to their face, even after she departed.
Having asked many people this, and receiving relatively generic answers such as care, kindness, love etc (not that they're not significant) i was glad that somebody actually gave me a different answer. Happiness is not something i'd expect anybody to say; i mean...when you pass away, it's a bit weird if people are 'happy' you know what i mean? But i now know, and i apologise Kimmy, i misunderstood you completely.
I actually understand what you mean now, a lot better. See, around 6 hours after that convo at approx 3 am this morning a phone call came in. I thought it was a missed call or something, so i didn't pay any attention to it because dad picked it up, or must've because the phone stopped ringing. The phone call was from malaysia, to tell me that my grandpa had just passed away.
Dont think many of you readers here would know my grandpa well; or know the nature of our relationship. He was more of a brother than a grandpa at times. We'd laugh at the same things, do the same things, go out to eat at 3 am in the morning, scold the dog for the same reasons, eat the same food, buy the same clothes. It wasn't a rare comment when somebody told me that i took after my grandpa. I knew it well myself.
He was the most cheerful person i knew, in whatever circumstance; he was always smiling, when he was in ICU, 3 weeks back; all the pictures my family sent me of him were of him smiling, even with the tubes and electronic measuring devices everywhere; he could still smile.
He asked for me, a few weeks back. I couldn't come because of university; it's....unexpected, because he came out of ICU only weeks ago. The doctors said he was recovering, everybody was happy.
The last time i was in malaysia; i saw my grandpa well, and happy; thank God for that. To think that 5 months later, i wouldn't have him anymore. When i was there; one evening - we sat down in a shopping center to take a break from all the walking around. I saw a watch on his wrist; and seeing the familiar logo of Tag Heuer i asked him if it was a fake.
To which he pretended to take offense to, i knew he was pretending; he'd never get angry at me. He then told me that the watch he was wearing was a family heirloom. It was a priceless item that was passed through different generations; funnily enough, still maintaining its shine. He then told me that the most precious thing you could give a person was your time, and your attention. Because that naturally means that you love them. I can remember my Cuz telling me this before.
When my aunty called last night; she had a message for me that mum just told me.
"tell jon that grandpa left his watch for him."
I just sent dad to the airport; i was meant to go back as well. But the flight was too hard to find; and to be honest, i just cant bear the thought of seeing him...well..anything but alive. Some people would call me an idiot for not going back, but i guess that's their reason. I have my own.
As his only grandson in a family with a fair few grandchildren, he never used that as an excuse to favor me. He was so fair and loving to all of his grandchildren; something that i respected and admired very much about him. He used to tell me that i played the piano beautifully; and that one day he wanted me to sit down for a whole day and just play his favorite songs over and over.
Now i understand what Kim meant when she told me that; and i know precisely what her idea was. I finally fully get what my cuz tells me over and over, that time is the most precious thing you can give a person; even though right now i may be upset over his passing, i know that when i think of him a few months down the track - it will bring a smile to my face.
I dont think there are many people out there that could make me smile after they pass away, but i know grandpa could. He'd want me to be happy too; so for my grandpa, i'm going to smile and be happy; because now i know that God's looking after him, alot better than i could too.
Thank you kimmy, you shared that with me for a reason. And thanks Cuz; your advice is correct- as per usual.
To somebody i will never forget,
i miss you grandpa.
God, please look after him while i'm not there.
Fin~